


The Big Scare in the Big Easy

by RaspberrySwish



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket, Scooby Doo - All Media Types, What's New Scooby-Doo? (Cartoon)
Genre: Carmelita as Scooby and Daphne, Comedy, Fiona as Shaggy and Velma, Gen, Isadora and Duncan are just chilling honestly, It's literally just asoue in a Scooby Doo episode, Kit is a bad driver, Klaus as Velma, Mystery, No I don't care that Scrappy isn't in this series, No one fucking knows how to drive, Quigley as Shaggy and Daphne, Sunny is Scrappy Doo, Violet as Fred, Violet is a bad driver, everyone says fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23480416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaspberrySwish/pseuds/RaspberrySwish
Summary: The Baudelaire's parents send them down to New Orleans to meet up with their Aunt and Uncles for Spring Break. There's only one problem with their vacation: Their uncle's land is haunted! With everyone else a suspect, the gang tries to find out who is behind the appearance of the ghosts of Frank and Ernest Denouement.Based on the Scooby Doo Episode titled "The Big Scare in the Big Easy"Rated Teen for Lots of Cursing
Relationships: Beatrice Baudelaire/Bertrand Baudelaire/Lemony Snicket (mentioned), Dewey Denouement/Kit Snicket, Duncan Quagmire & Carmelita Spats, Duncan Quagmire & Isadora Quagmire & Quigley Quagmire, Fiona & Carmelita Spats, Jacques Snicket & Kit Snicket, Kit Snicket & Esmé Squalor, Klaus Baudelaire & Carmelita Spats, Klaus Baudelaire & Kit Snicket, Klaus Baudelaire & Sunny Baudelaire & Violet Baudelaire, Quigley Quagmire & Carmelita Spats, The Unfortunate Gen are all Friends, Violet Baudelaire & Fiona, Violet Baudelaire & Kit Snicket
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	The Big Scare in the Big Easy

**Author's Note:**

> I was watching Scooby Doo late at night (as one does) and decided to write the episode I was watching but starring the Unfortunate Generation as the Gang. 
> 
> I had a lot of fun, and might make more in the future, but as a disclaimer, each episode would exist in a slightly different universe unless it was part of a multi-chapter fic, just so I can reuse characters as suspects.
> 
> I hope you guys like it! <3

“Ooh, Arthur! Don’t you just love that jazz music?” Eleanora Poe asked her husband. “The streets of New Orleans are just full of it. Wait til’ my readers hear about this!”

Arthur Poe forced a smile. 

“I’m sure your blog readers will think it’s just charming dear,”

“Hey dad?” his son Albert asked. “When are we going to get there?”

“Hey!” his other son Edgar interjected. “I was going to ask him that!”

As the two teens began to fight, Arthur noticed that they were nearing their destination, breaking the boys apart at the sign of the historic cemetery.

The Poe family was on a tour of the area surrounding New Orleans, another excursion his wife Eleanora had planned for her travel blog. He only hoped this time their family wouldn’t be captured, robbed, displaced, or scared in any way by the local ghosts. That seemed to happen a lot to the Poe family.

I mean, who in the world could be a more innocent or undeserving bunch than the family Poe?

His hopes were dashed as the bus pulled to a stop, skidding over a rock and coming to a rest in the mud before two eerie tombstones, both bearing the same name.  _ Denouement. _

As the driver tried to maneuver the bus out of the mud, mist began to swirl around the stones, the one on the left solidifying into an eerie ghost wearing a ragged gray uniform, complete with an eye patch, and a dark little mustache.

He looked like the type of man to be a hotel manager, not an angry spectre, but he wasn’t going to tell him that, not with the way that he was glaring at him through the window.

Turning away from the Poes for a second, the ghost set his sights on the other Denouement tombstone, where another ghost was appearing, sending an angry burst of wind and leaves his way.

The two ghosts were completely identical except for the eyepatch on one, and the blue color of the other’s uniform. 

After the gust sent by the gray ghost moved by, the blue ghost sent a larger one back, to which in turn the gray ghost sent another gust, creating a huge wind storm that began to shake the tour bus the Poes were watching from.

Eleanora opened her window, sticking her head out and waving to the two ghosts, before trying to take a picture of their fight. They reacted badly, pausing in their quarrel with each other to rise into the air, eyes turning red, before surrounding the bus, rocking it even more violently, and pounding against the windows, the Poe boys closing their mom’s window seconds before the ghosts began to hammer against it. 

With the ghosts so close, Arthur Poe let out a scream, fainting in his wife’s arms, before she promptly fainted as well, the bus driver moving the bus out of the mud and beginning to drive off at about the same time.

Isadora swayed back and forth in her plague doctor costume as the Mardi Gras parade marched by, elbowing her brother Duncan in the shoulder.

“Spring break in New Orleans!” she announced to her friends. “Isn’t it the coolest?”

Her other brother Quigley shot her a smile, nodding, and accidentally knocking off his silly little explorer’s cap.

The gang had been flown down to New Orleans for the break, as part of a deal arranged by Violet, Klaus, and Sunny’s parents. Apparently one of their dads had an older brother and sister who lived down here, his sister running an inn with her husband Dewey. They were set to stay there for the next five days, enjoying the city before returning back home to the City.

“So,” Quigley asked, turning to Violet once he got his costume settled. “Which way to the hotel?”

She shrugged. “Beats me, my dad only gave me this map.”

“Map?” his eyes widened. “Let me see!”

She laughed, handing it over.

“You can gladly deal with the map, Mr. Cartographer Guy. But I get to drive.”

They groaned. Violet was an awful driver.

“What?” she asked. “I drive us everywhere anyways!”

“That’s the problem,” Carmelita mumbled.

Quigley, with the help of his map, had soon plotted the shortest course to the Hotel Denouement, cutting right through the nearest cemetery, one that was over two hundred years old, as Isadora informed them.

“How do you even know that?” Klaus asked her.

She shrugged. “It's a goth thing, I guess.”

Sunny pointed to the brochure she was holding. 

“It says so right there, established 1848.”

Isadora glared at the toddler.

“You didn’t have to tell him that!”

“This is one weird graveyard,” Carmelita announced as they began taking the shortcut.

“Yeah,” Fiona agreed. “There’s no graves, only these little cabana things.”

“Those,” Klaus informed them, “Are called Fours, and they use them instead because the ground is too swampy here for regular graves.”

“I want to be buried in a four,” Isadora said.

Duncan shot her a look.

“Sure thing sis, you do that?”

Right as Isadora was about to reply, Violet let out a shout, noticing two figures through the ever thickening fog.

From their spot in the distance they could see what looked like two men, crouched down on top of two fours, moaning.

“Quigley,” Violet whispered. “I think we need to take another shortcut. I don’t want to mess with the kind of people who yell in graveyards at night.”

Klaus gulped and pointed at the figures, who had now tuned towards them, showing off their ghostly green skin.

“Violet,” he whispered. “I don’t think those are people.”

“Run!”

The group sprinted towards the exit as fast as they could, the two ghosts following closely behind. 

As they neared the edge of the cemetery, a tour bus careened towards them, opening its doors for them, before driving off with them inside.

“Are you kids okay?” the driver asked, stepping on the gas. “That was a close one. Another minute and not even my excellent getaway driving could have saved you.”

Duncan stuck his head out the window, waiting for the nauseous green color to fade.

“I wouldn’t call it excellent. Or driving.”

She snorted.

“Whatever you want to call it, it worked. I’m Kit Snicket. You guys are the Baudelaires and friends, I presume?”

“ _ You’re  _ our Aunt Kit?” Klaus asked skeptically. 

She smiled. 

“Indeed I am. You guys should watch out for the Denouement brothers though, they don’t like intruders, especially at night.”

“The who now?” Fiona asked.

“The Denouement brothers,” Kit explained. “Frank and Ernest. They were twins that fought against each other in the American Civil War, Ernest with the Confederates, Frank with the Union. It drove them apart, and their spirits still fight to this day.”

Klaus gave her a skeptical look.

“There’s no way those were actual ghosts.”

Violet shrugged.

“I don’t know Klaus, they looked pretty real to me.”

Kit nodded.

“They are real. Very real. I don’t want you kids going back out there at night again, the Denouements mean business.”

Sunny smirked, already thinking about the beat down she had in store for those spectres. 

“And so do I.”

Kit parked the bus outside of the hotel, leading the kids into the lobby.

“I think that you would do best to listen to me, Mr. Denouement,” a woman shouted inside.

“Ms. Squalor, I don’t think-”

Kit’s eyes widened at the sound of the voices.

“You kids stay right here at the entrance,” she said, rushing over to the fight.

“Hey bitch!” she yelled at the woman, a tall blonde lady in fancy clothes. “This is, and always will be Denouement land, so get your fancy, waterpark-owning self off of it and leave my husband alone!”

Ms. Squalor glared at her for a moment, picking up her purse and leaving, but not before swearing that someday she would own the Hotel Denouement and its cemetery too.

“What was that about?” Quigley asked, as Kit came back over, the man from the arguement following behind her.

“ _ That _ ,” she said, “Was Esme Squalor. She’s been trying to buy this hotel for years, wants to tear it and the graveyard down to expand her waterpark. She says resorts are “In” at the moment, and family business is “Qut.” Well I say she is the one who should be out. Out of business!”

The man behind her laughed.

“Calm down dear,” he said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Whatever happens will happen. Besides, introduce me to our new guests.”

Kit sighed, and introduced the kids.

“Husband Dewey, this is nieces Violet and Sunny, nephew Klaus, and their friends. Kids, this is my husband Dewey Denouement, owner of the Hotel.”

“Denouement… like the ghosts?” Klaus asked.

“No, like the cookie brand.” Carmelita said. “Yes, like the ghosts!”

“Actually,” Dewey said. “I prefer to think of it as like the Hotel, but the ghosts are my ancestors, yes.”

“Dewey,” Kit said. “Can you take the kids up and show them their rooms? I need to go and pick up Jacques for our next round of ghost tours.”

“Ghost tours?” Sunny asked.

“Jacques?” Fiona questioned.

“My twin brother Jacques and I run the best ghosts tours in all of New Orleans,” Kit said. “And the Denouement brothers are our star attraction!” she smiled again before running out the front. 

“We’re so excited to have you guys here,” Dewey told them as he led them up the stairs. “I’ve even been cleaning to prepare.”

Duncan peeked into an open room. It was a wreck.

“Cleaning… of course.”

Sunny sniffed her nose. What was that smell? She had been smelling it ever since they had entered the hotel, a wet sort of earthy- she glanced down.  _ Oh. _

Dewey’s boots were caked in mud, as if he was just outside. She remembered to save that for later.

Dewey quickly showed them the three rooms they would be sharing, one for Baudelaires, one for Quagmires, and another one for Carmelita and Fiona. 

They were sitting alone on Violet’s bed when she brought it up.

“Did anyone else notice anything about Dewey’s shoes?” Sunny asked.

Quigley shrugged.

“He was wearing them?”

She gave him a look.

“They were muddy.”

“Oh, yeah! Muddy, yes I totally saw that.”

“Right.”

“What do you think this means?” Isadora asked.

Klaus thought for a moment.

“I think our uncle has something he hasn’t told us. We should go back outside and check it out.”

“I can’t believe you guys convinced me to go back out here again,” Carmelita mumbled as the group walked through the cemetery for the second time. “And especially so late.”

“Like you would be sleeping anyways,” Fiona quipped.

She just shook her head.

“Whatever I’d be doing, it would be better than this.”

“You don’t want to be walking around in the swamp looking for ghosts to-”

“Fight!” Sunny shrieked.

“-Capture?”

Carmelita rolled her eyes.

“Fine. But when we all get recruited to their ‘army of the undead’ or something, that’s not on me.”

“Like they would want you for their-”

“Oh, shit!” Carmelita shouted.

“What is it?” Violet asked. “Did you see the ghost?”

“No, I got this gunk all over my shoe!”

“Wait Carm,” Klaus said. “I think that might be important, here, hand it to me, we can ask Kit about it when we get back.”

“What am I going to do with one shoe until then?”

“I don’t know, get a ride?”

She smirked.

“Whatever you say, tall boy.”

Carmelita jumped onto his back, Klaus almost stumbling under the weight of the shorter girl.

“I didn’t mean it like that!”

“ _ You stole her shoe/so it’s on you, _ ” Isadora recited.

“That’s not helping Isa!” he exclaimed. “Besides, I’m not sporty enough to carry you for that long.”

Carmelita laughed.

“Better get moving then, huh? Mush!”

“I’m gonna kill you.”

Back at the hotel, the kids showed Kit the shoe.

“Do you have any idea what that gunk could be?” Violet asked her.

Kit gave them a look.

“Ectoplasm, of course! Ghost juice.”

Violet took a closer look at the shoe.

“Are you sure, because that looks more like-”

“Please,” Kit scoffed. “I’m the expert here, wouldn’t I know?”

“I’m tired of all this ghost talk,” Quigley said. “Can we go get some food?”

“Agreed.”

“Nothing better than a bowl of New Orleans Gumbo,” Quigley announced, about to take the first sip from his bowl.

“Nothing better than Five Skull Hot Sauce, that is,” Carm said, waving it in front of him.

“This is such a bad idea,” Klaus mumbled.

“I don’t know Carm,” Quigley said. “That looks really ho-”

“What, you scared?” Violet asked.

“Violet, what are you doing?” Klaus hissed.

She shrugged.

“Come on Quigley, chug it!”

“Chug it, chug it, chug it!”

“Please don’t.”

Quigley smiled, popping open the lid of the hot sauce container.

“Chugging it, it is!”

His face turned red after first contact with the sauce, and tears slid down his face.

“I think we killed him,” Fiona whispered after a few seconds of silence.

“Oh, he’ll be fine,” Isadora shrugged. “Gets the blood pumping.”

“You guys are crazy,” Klaus said.

After a few more seconds of Quigley looking like he was about to explode, the red look began to fade, a curl of smoke coming out of his ears.

“Guys,” Duncan said. “I think Quigley literally has smoke coming out of his ears.”

Carmelita smiled. “Anyone else want some sauce?”

Sunny raised her hand, and Carm began to hand her the bottle, Klaus picking up his sister and pulling her away.

“Are you crazy? She’s a baby!”

Sunny gave him a look.

“I’m five fucking years old Klaus.”

“First off, don’t say fuck-”

“Fuck.”

“And secondly, that doesn’t mean you should be chugging hot sauce.”

She shrugged.

“I’m expanding my palate.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Like you would know.”

“Like I would-”

“Hey guys!” Fiona called. “Over there, it’s Dewey!”

“Dewey! Dewey!”

“He didn’t hear us.”

“Supermarket of the Supernatural,” Duncan read. “Wonder what he could be doing there…”

Violet smiled mischievously.

“Want to find out?”

They snuck across the street, keeping close to the wall as they peeked into the window of the supermarket.

“Do you see anything?” Klaus asked.

“He’s buying things… bat wings… chicken bones… toad eyes… It looks like voodoo.”

“Like from the Hex Girls song?” Isadora asked.

“Not exactly, but yeah.”

“Cool.”

“I can’t believe we’re in this fucking graveyard again.” Carmelita mumbled.

“The map tells us it’s the quickest way to Esme Squalor’s resort and waterpark,” Quigley told her. “And the map is never wrong.”

“What about that time the map led us into a lake?” Violet asked.

“It wasn't the map’s fault,” he replied. “You’re just a bad driver.”

“Guys look!” Klaus said. “It’s Dewey!”

“Again?” Sunny asked. “It’s like the author mixed up the roles and is using the same two characters for four different people!”

“And look what he’s holding!” Klaus continued. “It looks like a Confederate Uniform.”

“But what is Dewey doing in the graveyard in the middle of the night?” Duncan asked.

Violet shrugged.

“I don’t know, but we should see if Esme is involved with those Civil War ghosts. Let’s split up and look for clues.”

“Split up?” Carmelita asked. “Don’t we do that a lot?”

“I found a clue!” Sunny yelled.

“Wow, that was pretty fucking fast.”

“I just want to get to the part where we fight them.”

“Great! So what’s your clue?”

“This guy,” she mumbled, her teeth locked into the hand of one of the ghosts.

“Run!”

Klaus pulled her off the ghost and everyone split up, running in different directions.

_ You remind me of a man. What a man? A man with a po-wer? What power? The power of Voodoo! _

“Does anyone else hear chase scene music?” Carmelita asked.

“I’m a little more busy with that ghost right beside us!” Fiona shouted.

“Oh right, fuck.”

The duo hopped onto one of Esme’s many water slides, the union ghost, this one being Frank, right on the opposite slide as the music went into an instrumental.

The slides intertwined, like a double helix, and each time they crossed the union ghost lunged for Carmelita and Fiona, barely missing each time.

As they went around the final bend, the union ghost was straddling their slide, and they managed to push him off, cheering as he landed in the water with a splash.

The Confederate ghost was right on Violet’s heels as she approached the edge of a cliff, with only a rope linking it to the other side.

Checking to make sure her hair was tied back, Violet pulled about fifty industrial strength ribbons out of her pocket, lacing them over the rope.

“It’s go time, bitches,” she whispered as she jumped, using the ribbons to zip line to the other side.

The Union ghost, fresh out of the water, passed the triplets, dressed in food service disguises behind the counter of a concession stand.

“This is the stupidest thing we’ve done yet,” Duncan whispered.

Isadora eyed the ghost as he neared them.

“Just go with it, Duncan!” 

She smiled.

“Now Mr. Denouement, sir, would you like fries with that?”

The ghost paused for a second to consider, before shaking his head and lunging at them.

“Well that didn’t work,” Quigley said as they got the fuck out of there.

“No shit!” Duncan replied.

“No, no, no, no, no!” Klaus mumbled as he tried to stay in front of the Confederate ghost, which was now chasing him. 

“Sunny, hold still!” he cried as his sister shook in his arms. “You’re getting too heavy to carry!”

“Let me at ‘em! Let me at ‘em!” she shrieked.

“For the last time, you are  _ not  _ fighting a ghost!”

“I thought you said they weren’t ghosts, huh?”

“Shut up and help me hide!”

As the ghost drew closer, Klaus spotted a wave pool out of the corner of his eye, and grabbing a boogie board, prayed to whatever powers that be to give him a brief burst of sportiness, and jumped into the pool, swimming as hard as he could over the waves, the ghost falling off his board before Klaus and Sunny did.

Now finding themselves together, the children held close as they slid down another slide, the ghosts close behind.

“How the fuck do they keep catching up to us!” Fiona yelled.

“I don’t know but I’m pretty tired of it,” Isadora screamed back. 

“Hey ghosts,” Sunny shrieked, turning back towards them. “I’m not done with you yet!”

“Oh yes you are!” Klaus said, taking her yet again and rolling out onto the grass, followed by the others.

“That was a close one,” Violet sighed.

“No shit,” the others mumbled.

“Hey!” a voice sounded. “What are you disgusting brats doing in my waterpark?”

“Ugh, what now?” Duncan sighed, as a woman emerged from the shadows.

“Esme Squalor?” they gasped.

“That’s right,” she said. “And you kids shouldn’t be out here at night. I could get in trouble.”

“We didn’t want to be out here,” Carmelita told her. “We were being chased by the ghosts of the Denouement brothers!”

Esme looked both ways before lowering her voice.

“You guys have seen them too?”

They nodded.

“Those ghosts have ruined my resort! The whole staff has quit, everything. Now I can’t possibly open!”

They stared at her.

“What do you mean?” Klaus asked. “I thought you liked the ghosts, since they made it easier to buy the Hotel Denouement.”

She looked at them like they were idiots.

“No one wants to go to a ghost infested resort, darlings.”

“I’m gonna kill her,” Sunny whispered.

“Same,” Violet replied.

“If you see those ghosts again,” Esme told them. “You can go tell them to go bother someone who deserves it, like Kit Snicket, and to stay the ever loving  _ fuck  _ out of my waterpark!”

Esme turned around and stormed off, leaving the kids alone in the park yet again.

“I wonder what she meant about Kit Snicket deserving the ghosts…” Klaus mumbled.

“I don’t know,” Isadora said. “But guys… Where’s Quigley?”

“Quigley?”

“Quigley!”

“Of course the map boy is the one to get himself lost,” Carmelita mumbled, before she was shushed by the others.

“Quigley?”

“Quigley are you there?”

“Quigley where are you?”

He obviously wasn’t in the Waterpark, that’s for sure.

“If the ghosts were going to kidnap Quigley,” Klaus said. “The cemetery is where they would take him.”

They were now standing outside the entrance of the cemetery, trying to look and listen for any signs of Quigley.

“Hey guys?” Sunny said. “I think I’ve found a sign of Quigley.”

“What?”

She pointed down.

“Footprints.”

Sunny was right, beneath the entrance to the gate were large sets of footprints.

“How do you know they’re not ours?” Carmelita asked.”We’ve been in this cemetery like four times in the past two hours.”

Sunny gave her a look.

“There’s two sets, dipshit.”

“Hey!”

“No, she’s right!” Violet said. “Two sets of footprints, a bigger foot and a smaller one, but the same type of boot! They should lead us to where Quigley is.”

Carmelita looked down at the prints again. 

“Aren’t these guys supposed to be identical, why would they have different- okay, I guess everyone is walking ahead and not listening, that’s cool.”

They followed the footprints for about ten minutes or so, weaving around various fours and mausoleums until they came back to the gate.

“The gate?” Duncan wondered. “We’re walking in circles!”

“I guess our sense of direction really went out the window with Quigley, huh?” Isadora said.

They nodded.

“Okay, Carmelita, Duncan, and Sunny, you three guard the gate, make sure no one goes in or out.” Violet said. “And I’ll go with Klaus, Isadora, and Fiona to search for Quigley. Deal?”

“Why do I have to guard the gate?” Sunny asked. “I want to fight some more ghosts!”

“And that’s exactly why you’re going to be guarding the gate,” Klaus interjected.

“What I don’t understand is who would be going into a cemetery at this time of night,” Carmelita mumbled.

Duncan looked at her. 

“You’re not concerned about who would be leaving one?”

Her face paled when she realized what he was implying.

‘Nevermind.”

“You would think ghosts wearing such big boots would leave a trace,” Fiona remarked as they scoured the cemetery for Quigley.

Isadora frowned.

“I think we can tell from experience that the whole boot thing means jackshit.”

She smiled and took a seat on a nearby rock, standing up quickly when it began to move.

“What the fuck-” Violet whispered. “Isadora, do it again.”

“I’m not sitting on the rock, make Klaus do it!”

“Klaus, sit on the rock.”

“What are we doing?”

“Sit on the rock!”

Klaus took a seat on the rock, the stone sliding into the earth, eerie lights coming from the nearby trees when he sat on it.

Lights that landed squarely on the tombstones of the Denouement brothers.

“What the hell,” Klaus gasped, sitting on the rock and standing up again.

“You’re right! The rock is setting off the lights. And it seems to be coming from that treetop!”

“Huh,” Violet mumbled. “What in the world could that be?”

_ “Gate guarding, we’re guarding the gate! La la la la la la la, we’re guarding the gate! _ ”

“Are you singing?” Duncan asked her.

“What, no!” Carmelita said.

“She was singing a song about guarding the gate,” Sunny said absentmindedly as she played with some pebbles.

“This is boring, we should be in there looking for Quigley.”

Carm laughed.

“Yeah, no thanks.”

Duncan gave her a look.

“You don’t want to save my brother?”

“Of course I want to save your brother!” she said. “But that place… I don’t like it. I wouldn’t go back in there even if you had a box of fucking… Carm Snacks!”

Duncan gave her a look.

“What the fuck are you even talking about?”

“Nevermind. Let’s just guard this fucking gate and hope no ghosts show up.”

“So you guys hear that wailing?” Sunny asked, jumping to attention.

“I do now,” Carm mumbled. “Great timing ghosts.”

“Run?” Duncan suggested.

“Run,” they agreed.

Luckily for Sunny they decided to run right into the cemetery.

“Wait-” Duncan said. “Guys, stop.”

“Huh?”

“I’d recognize that voice anywhere. It’s not random ghost wails, it’s Quigley!”

“Quigley!” they yelled.

“Quick, call his phone!”

Duncan whipped out his phone and began to look through his contacts. “Klaus, Isadora, Mom, Moxie Mallahan’s Personal Phone number,”

“Wait, what was that last one?” Carmelita asked.

“Mom?”

“After that.”

“Oh, Quigley! Found it.”

A phone began to ring from somewhere nearby, the macaramba tune that they had all grown to know and despise.

“This way!” Sunny called. “I think it’s coming from this mausoleum over here!”

“We’re coming, Quigley!” Duncan shouted.

They pried open the door to the mausoleum, rushing in and taking the gag out of Quigley’s mouth.

“Guys, the door-” he yelled.

“Fuck.”

Behind them the door slammed shut, plunging the four kids into utter darkness.

“Remind me never to try and rescue you again,” Carmelita mumbled.

“Remind me to never be rescued.”

“Is this deep enough, Violet?” Isadora asked.

“It’s perfect!”

While the others were off “rescuing” Quigley, Violet was working on a trap for the ghosts. 

She and Isadora had dug a large hole that would then be covered with reeds and sticks, provided by Klaus and Fiona, which the ghosts would fall into after being hit by her huge waterslide/catapult invention she had created nearby. All in all, she thought it was quite ingenious.

“Can you guys see enough to help?” Quigley asked. “I need something to get these ropes off!”

“I have the sauce from the restaurant?” Carmelita suggested. 

“Did you steal that or something?” Duncan asked.

“Maybe.”

“Just get these ropes off me!”

Carmelita unscrewed the cap, warning everyone to get back.

“They say Five Skulls can burn through anything.” she told them.

“Yeah,” Quigley muttered. “Trust me, I know.”

A few drops of the sauce did the trick, sizzling through the ropes and letting him loose.

“Do you think the four of us can push that door open?” he asked.

Duncan looked at it and shrugged. 

“Maybe?”

Sunny just shook her head.

“Amatuers.”

She made it to the door in three steps, swinging it open with just a push.

“Yeah, okay, or we could do that.”

“Do you hear that?” Klaus asked.

“It sounds like somebody’s coming!” Isadora said.

Violet smiled. 

“And we’re ready for them.”

“Wait, stop!” Fiona called. “That’s Quigley!”

“Quigley?” Violet asked.

“Oh hey guys,” Quigley said. “Me, Duncan, Carm and Sunny are being chased by the ghost dudes, want to join us?”

She gave him a look.

“I’m glad you’re back but you’re standing on my trap.”

“Oh sorry.”

A loud crash sounded from behind Quigley.

“AAAAGGGGHHHHH! Somebody help me I’m gonna fucking die!!!”

“Oh and there’s Carm. Hi Carm!”

Carmelita was rolling towards them on a barrel, Sunny and Duncan running beside her on the ground. As she neared the group, she flew off the barrel, landing on the waterslide and in Violet’s invention. Violet, not really knowing what else to do, pulled the lever, sending Carm flying from the catapult and into the pit, luckily hitting the two ghosts and bringing them down with her as she went. 

“Ah-ha!” Violet said, now that the ghosts were in the pit. “It’s time to see who you really are!”

Carmelita sighed. 

“Can you get me out of here first?”

With the combined strength of Violet and Quigley, they were able to lift Carmelita out of the pit, the two soldiers now the only residents in Violet’s trap.

“Kids?” A voice called out from nearby.

“Hi Dewey!” they called back. “We got your ghosts, want to see?”

“Ghosts?” Esme Squalor asked, emerging from nearby as well. “Did you tell them to tell Kit Snicket to go fuck herself?”

Klaus smiled.

“You can tell her yourself.”

He reached down and pulled the mask off of the Confederate ghost.

“Kit Snicket?” they gasped.

Kit smiled.

“Hey guys!” she called. “I would wave but I’m a little tied up at the moment.”

Duncan facepalmed at her bad joke.

“If Kit Snicket is the one ghost,” Esme asked, “Then who is the other?”

“I hoped you would ask that,” Klaus said. “Because the other ghost is none other than...Jacques Snicket!”

They looked at the man in the second costume.

“Who?”

“Jacques Snicket?”

Nothing. 

“Kit’s brother?”

Still nothing.

“That one tour guide she mentioned and then didn’t even show up at all?”

“Oh, that guy!”

“Yeah we know him!”

“Kit…” Dewey said, looking at his wife. “But why would you do this?”

“I can answer that as well,” Klaus said. “Kit was using the story of the Denouement brothers to get people to go on her ghost tours, and to scare away the workers from Esme’s waterpark. That way Dewey wouldn’t have to sell his family land, and Kit could give him the ghost tour money to keep him in business after Esme had gone under. Is that right, Kit?”

She nodded.

“You’re really good at this, wow.”

“That explains the footprints!” Carmelita exclaimed.

“The what?”

“I found a clue while you guys weren’t paying attention. Anyways it makes sense that Kit and Jacques would be different shoe sizes, because they’re fraternal twins, instead of identical.”

Klaus nodded.

“Exactly.”

“Wait,” Quigley said. “There's one thing I don’t get. Why was Dewey acting so suspicious, with the supernatural shop and the uniform and everything?”

“Me?” Dewey asked. “I went to the supernatural shop to get a talisman to keep the ghosts away. And the uniform? It was my great-great-great-grand uncle’s, I just like to keep it dry cleaned.”

“At night?”

“No line at the cleaners.”

“Yeah, sure.” Quigley said. “Just one last thing. Can we start from the beginning again, because I still don’t know what the hell was going on.”

As Quigley said that, the fog began to thicken, the ghostly figures of Ernest and Frank Denouement appearing on their tombstones yet again. 

“They’re back!” He shouted, ducking behind Duncan and Isadora.

“Don’t be silly, Quigley,” Klaus said. “They’re just holograms. That and some dry ice. A prop for the Snicket’s tours. See, when I stop sitting on this rock…” he stood up. “The holograms disappear.”

“But what about the Ectoplasm?” Carmelita asked. “The gunk on my shoe?”

“Dry ice residue,” Klaus told her. “Part of the smoke illusion. The whole ectoplasm thing was something Kit made up, a trick to throw us off her trail.”

Kit nodded. 

“When you came to me about the residue, I knew you had been sniffing around in the cemetery after I had told you not to. So I had Jacques and I dress up as the Denouements to scare you away, kidnapping Quigley to try and keep you from learning what we were doing. We would have released him the next morning.”

A police officer laughed, having been drawn to the scene earlier in the confrontation.

“I don’t think you’re going to be released for a long while now.”

Kit shrugged.

“Whatever you say. Oh! And Violet, tell your parents to keep the guest rooms open, me and Jacques should be stopping by at some point this summer.”

The officer looked at her.

“Did you not just hear what I said?”

She shrugged again.

“Kit,” Jacques whispered. “You’re forgetting something.”

“What am I forgetting?”

He gave her a look, walking her through it.

“And we would have gotten away with it too…”

“Oh, yeah of course!” 

She cleared her throat.

“And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

As the officer drove away with Kit and Jacques, Fiona turned to Violet.

“What was that whole ‘making plans for the summer’ thing? They’re both going to be going to jail for much longer than that.”

Violet smirked.

“They’re Snickets,” she said. “They’ll have escaped by the end of the week at the latest.”

“As long as you aren’t mad you helped arrest your Aunt and Uncle.”

“Of course not,” Violet said, before turning back to the group. “Who’s ready for a real, ghost-less Mardi Gras celebration!”

They cheered.

“Whatever,” Sunny mumbled. “I still didn’t get to fight a  _ real  _ ghost.”


End file.
